Every single life form known for gracing planet earth with its existence, has a family vacation memory that sticks to the very fibre of their being for all of the worst reasons. Whether it be that time in Kuala Lumpur, when your Dad’s wallet was pickpocketed and what can only be described as a total verbal smack down ensued or when you got defecated on, and by that, I mean totally shat on, by an unknown bird with severe gastro in Disneyland Hong Kong. Lucky to say that the Ward family’s repertoire is filled with rather-forget, painful and geographically extensive memories. Although the worst is very much yet to come. Let me take you back to the year 2000. Indonesia, Bali. A storied trip comprising of five rabies shots, a mean waterslide burn and an unfortunate incident involving cornrows, my hair and me. Although while entirely succeeding in living up to the Aussie bogans take Kuta stereotype, this is not what I am referring to. My worst family holiday memory to date, is the time my irresponsible parents decided it was a truly delightful idea to place my brothers and I in matching, incandescent three-quarter wetsuits in Bali. Three dickheads, three wetsuits and now three mentally blemished adults.

Having permanently scarred any hope I had for a normal life and future, I now make it my mission to help sufferers of the same fate. I have spent many years since, choosing only to wear impeccably tasteful swimsuits, except for those times in year 8 and 9, 11 and last week. Behold, this bad to the bone one-piece exhibiting all of the right things for a victim of swimsuit abuse. Although the thick neoprene is providing me with serious and distressing flashbacks, I have nothing to feel but love and light. Thanks to Lisa Marie Fernandez and sleeping pills for accelerating my recovery, I can safely say I am now a totally fulfilled, joyous being.

Wearing: Lisa Marie Fernandez swimsuit, vintage head scarf and Dior ‘So Real’ sunglasses
Photos: Anastasia Borrelli