Mildly obnoxious

I have gently touched upon the art of diversion previously, but very much feel the need to do so again. You see, I am a 5 foot 11 tomboy with bad ankles and the clumsy gene marinating in my genetic makeup. It won’t come as a huge surprise when I say this little giraffe can’t walk in heels to save her or her ankles lives.

So when it comes to purchasing heels, I employ one tactic and one tactic only – make ‘em colourful enough to distract your audience. Hence the bright green, mildly obnoxious boots I have gone for here.

Shine them in direct sunlight and they’re enough to blind even your most critical enemy. Make ‘em bright and bold enough to avert the eye from your rod-up-the-ass walking technique and Viola! Mission accomplished.

Wearing: Thrifted blazer similar found here, Asos boots, Vintage scarf similar found here.

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Girl Code

We’re all aware of girl code, the fundamental rules of the female bond. These strict rules are a universal language and predominately known to apply to the peen and veen, in the categories of partners and exes. Yet one element of girl code often falls neglected, clothes code and don’t you forget it. While I admit, I regularly preach the virtues of clothes code, I was recently, shamefully guilty of violating the sanctity that is.

On a retail therapy expedition with one of my best and fairest, I broke all of the rules and planted the seed of friendship resentment – I broke clothes code. In a distressing turn of events, said b&f came out on top with a generous cluster of coat hangers, while I was left red-faced and empty handed.

Tempers flared and after a troubling changing room showdown, I lashed out and did the unforgivable, I asked to buy the same top. GIRL CODE ALERT. In a show of unbridled generosity Lou said yes and here it is boys, this rugged denim crop. Worth it you ask? Yes? No? I don’t know? She still brings it up when she’s drunk, but time heals all wounds, right?

Wearing: Zara denim crop similar found here, here and here, Asos denim jeans similar on sale here, Louis Vuitton Epi Twist bag found here, thin rats tail hair similar found here.

Photos: Anastasia Borrelli
Words proofed by: Tyana Rongonoui

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Blue Shirt Baby

Despite my childhood disgust at any colour outside the realm of yellow, (sports day house colour, duh) I now regard myself a reformed woman and maturely manage not to stick my nose up at the reds, blues and greens of this scary world. Some might say, I have even grown to care for them, in a sorry-I-beat-you-in-long-jump kind of way. Putting my bias aside, I have found space in my bitter, blackened heart for a varied colour palette and now, joyously, my wardrobe is reaping the fruits of my now open mind.

Ladies, Gentlemen and those who don’t identify, I present you with my newest, bluest sartorial triumph. This nifty blouse is finally doing the colour blue proud (offense intended to those of you who darkened the door of the blue house team). Streamlined at the waist, cheap and chips and easy to wear, I’m kicking goals over here.

Wearing: Asos blouse similar found here, Hurley denim skirt found here, Louis Vuitton MM Epi Leather Twist bag found here.
Photography: Anastasia Borrelli @grid.city

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Slothing

My whole life I’ve been relatively honest with the inner workings of my soul. I’m a woman with a fondness for consuming cream cheese products, excess sodium and doing arse all. All three, have been executed perfectly throughout my years and I am now passing on some wisdom. Today I will be focusing on the latter, doing bugger all. If you’re requiring some succinct, intelligent tips on the art of slothing, look no further. I’ve found the easiest place to start is what to wear. Negating this area can more often than not prove troublesome. Some say track pants, ugg boots and the total removal of civilised behaviour or hygiene standards is the key to success and while I agree with many of the points covered, I’ve discovered a far more fruitful formula.

Introducing Lazy Oaf. A kitschy British brand, specialising in niche garments with an abundance of colour and personality. By now, you’d be questioning my thought process. How does this tie in with slothing you might ask? Well boys, it’s all in the name. The masterful geniuses behind Lazy Oaf have bought comfort and $wag together on a wild blind date and the rest as they say, is history. No gimmicks. Chuck on a Lazy Oaf thread, sit yourself down with some cheese cake and salt, throw all rules of personal hygiene out the window and voila! Slothing done right.

Wearing: Lazy Oaf top, Jbrand jeans, Gucci belt.
Photos: Anastasia Borrelli

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Ground Breaking

The thing about Adelaide ‘winter’, a bit of piss-weak rain and occasional dry pits, is that despite all enduring efforts, you will never be wearing the weather appropriate get up. As all fellow South Aussies know and hate, one minute you feel you’ve never felt the loving envelopment of warmth and the next, you’re trekking through the Saharan heat of SA. It can get real tricky, real fast. So here I am, sitting my acclimatised ass on the solution to all of your weather-induced problemos. The bomber anyone? Big bloody DUH, about as ground-breaking as florals in spring but really. This Goot bomber is providing all of the textbook comfort of your winter coat as well as protecting against our indecisive and highly inconsiderate weather patterns. The kick ass detailing doesn’t hurt either. Chuck a buck on your card and fork out for this spring, summer, autumn and winter’s best jacket option.

Wearing: River Island dress, Josh Goot bomber, vintage hat, Ego boots
Photos: Anastasia Borrelli

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RIP

Velvet, the rich woman’s velour. For me, often associated with the infamous Laguna Beach-esque velour tracksuits. Beware of bedazzled booties and bad taste, but with time comes evolution. With a marketplace now flooded with glorious velvet creations, we can lock, deadlock and chain across the mistakes of our ancestors and be done with velour. RIP.

Moving on, I present, my latest velvet crush! Easily the baddest velvet I ever did see, aside from a freshly-baked red. Ya’ll know I’m a sucker for anything long sleeved, tight n bright. Tick, tick and tick. Its elasticity seems to know no bounds, a quality I can’t express enough love for as well as its gracious concern for my bank balance. I mean, how considerate?! If the tacky jumpsuits didn’t spell the end for velour, this savage velvet number certainly does.

Wearing: Princess Polly velvet dress, Holly Ryan earrings.
Photography: Anastasia Borrelli.

 

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Liberal sprinkling of gross

You’re either born with good feet or you’re not. I am, rather disgracefully, not. Now despite running the risk of attracting a few unsavoury characters with some niche fetishes, I feel the need to address some toe-tally, signifeet-cant (doesn’t work, I know. Lets move on) details about my own feet. God bless ‘em and all, but my toes have been through hell and back. Imitating the ‘after’ photo of a serious drug addiction, my toes are all bent outta’ shape and finding it difficult to live a normal life. You see, they’re knobbly with nails looking for a fight and a fairly liberal sprinkling of gross. For fellow sufferers, there are generally two ways to deal with such an ailment. Distraction or treatment.

Treatment involves pedicures, psychotherapy and a strong course of antibiotics. Personally, I like a challenge. Drawing the eyes away from the issue is my genius solution and one entirely effective distraction are these boots. Big boots, big laces and BIG diversion. You big bloody ripper.

Wearing: Asos slip dress, H&M ribbed tee, Alex Perry X Tony Bianco boots

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Boa

As the years roll on and my age and state of mind drift further and further apart, I begin to realise just how bloody gifted my childhood really was. I could lick all the flavouring off Shapes and cease to shower without any real consequence. I could piss away the hours of the day with little expectation of productivity or responsibility. But most of all, I could dress as I please with anything from the boys section at Target appropriately meeting my needs. Now despite my unisex ways there was one glamorous, ladylike adornment I couldn’t go past. A luxury item I believed few were lucky enough to indulge in – the feather boa my friends. Oh the texture, oh the vibrancy. On reflection, despite it’s rather nuvo riche qualities, the feather boa stands rock solid in my definition of GLAM.

At this point many of you may have drawn the conclusion that I am in fact a liability to the human race for such distaste, but alas, I have evolved. I have emotionally dealt with society’s shunning of the use and wear of everyday feather boas, so I’ve discovered the next best thing. Lost Ink’s supremely reigning detachable collared coat. The collar comes about as close to my friend the boa without taking the wearer to embarrassing levels of humiliation and is versatile… unlike my friend the boa. Whatever your stance on feather boas, one thing is obvious, this coat is the bomb ass.

Wearing: Lost Ink coat, Asos scarf, Acne Studios dress
Photos: Anastasia Borrelli

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Giros Love Potion

I’ve got a debilitating case of travel envy as everybody and their grannies appear to be overseas, getting cultured, packing on their Europe weight and sailing through glorious islands. I remember my first and only European summer as if it were yesterday, with one memory in Greece particularly embedding itself. It was Mykonos 2013 and I was eating my third giros of the hour. The gooey garlic sauce was gently dripping down my leg while I sat and soaked up the beautiful sunset and saturated fat. This was living people, I had it made. Now, looking back I don’t know whether it was the four beers and three giros love potion or my first independent holiday but I felt like a damn goddess. A feeling I’ve only managed to replicate on a handful of occasions. This shoot was one of those times.

It was bloody windy and I was without a giros, but alas, I had a more powerful love potion. A concoction of silk, a Grecian headpiece and some self-confidence. Putting this headpiece on is uplifting and a feeling I can only compare to having spanx on. Anybody looking to emulate it, I can direct you to the Thurley site with mounds of encouragement and a hint of garlic breath.

Disclaimer – do not attempt putting the headpiece on in windy/or rainy conditions. It’ll make you pay.

Wearing: Asos dress (worn as top), Asos flares, Thurley headpiece, Vintage Chanel bag.
Photos: Anastasia Borrelli

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